Anniversary Post

So, this was originally supposed to be posted on May 13th. Except, I was in Ohio, and Blogger was experiencing their own apocalypse. On ward, and upward, I always say!

(my official before picture)

Starting weight: 323.3
Todays weight: 292.3
Total lost in one year: 30 lbs

How I feel about that:

Awesome. I have maintained a weight loss of 30 for nearly a year. The last time I lost weight, I was 16, and I was starving myself. It hurt, and I scared me. But now, I have a lot going on for myself this year.

I was so hung over in this picture...

Originally, I was going to make this a long drawn out post, detailing all the cool stuff I've accomplished in the last year, all the heart ache I suffered but survived through, and a list of goals set for the future, but most of that is covered in my "about me" tab, and as for goals this year? I just want to keep moving forward.

To those that read my ramblings and constant "I" statements, I appreciate it, I love your comments and I am so glad I've chosen to share my journey with you. Reading your blogs and tweetchats has been a great inspiration to me, and I love you all. Thank you for sharing in this with me.

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Letter to my 14 year old Self

Dear Lily,

You have not yet adopted the name Lily. That will come nearly eight years later at a dead beat job, where someone with your same name steals your identity and logins for work. But more on that later.

You've spent the last two years, and will spend the next five or so years, treating yourself like crap. I really wish you would stop. I wish you would listen to your mother when she says you're beautiful and smart and capable of anything you put your mind to. I wish you'd stop being afraid all the time- there's really nothing to be afraid of. I wish you could see how awesome you are, not how much you stand out in crowds. Its okay to stand out. You're not going to fall off a cliff. Even if you do, you'll land safely enough, that I can promise you.

See, I remember how it felt, sliding that razor across your thigh, crying in the shower, and wishing for something, anything to change, or to just stop feeling all together. Coming up with self destructive plans to make yourself beautiful, only to fail because, well, nobody gets skinny overnight, and you were already beautiful. Truly. And then hated yourself some more. You realized quite early that only you could change you, but it took you a long time to really understand what that meant, and how to make it happen.

If there is something I could do or say to comfort you, I would, but right now you are inconsolable, and that's not your fault. It really truly is no one's fault. You have a swarm of hormones rushing through your body and you live in a community where no one else looks like you. I will say, you're not alone in feeling like a freak. It gets better. Oh boy, does it get better.

In four more years, you're going to take a train to Virginia, for college. Yes, college. You're going to finally be surrounded by people that look just like you, and who are willing to be your friend. Not gonna lie, you only stay there for a year, and you begin to think the end of the world is nigh when you leave, but really, its just getting started.

I could tell you about your re-return to Oregon, or how you ended up in Alaska, but you might again look at those events as something negative. You really must know that it is not. Life changes. People change. You'll figure it out eventually, but you've got to give yourself that chance.

Lily, you didn't lose weight immediately. You continued gaining weight until you were twenty-four. You used food as a shelter, something to hide behind and calm you down when things got tough, or as a reward for surviving impossible odds. But you remained capable. You were still able to do exactly what you needed to do to get where I am today.  Eventually you started to take care of your outer-self in addition to your inner-self, and its made all the difference. You never thought you would weigh 300 lbs, and be proud of yourself. I am here to tell you that you are, and you are.

Don't forget to be awesome,

Lily

Shamrock 5k Scramble Report

I don't mean to keep putting off this post. Quite a few things happened this weekend that are worth mentioning, the first of which, I completed my first 5k of the year, the Shamrock 5k in Anchorage. It was outside, it was snowy, and I rocked it. I walked the there-and-back course, on the trails groomed for cross-country skiing, in 43:15. This is a new PR for me, though I haven't really been keeping score. The day before I had walked one mile in 17 minutes and thought that was pretty bragworthy, so imagine my surprise when I saw that I had managed a 14:33 pace! I had no idea I had it in me to walk so fast. All my time at the gym and Zumba'ing has really paid off!

I had never done this race before (I had no idea what the course was going to be like either!) and I had a hell of a time trying to get someone to join me. I eventually went by myself, though I had to call a cab (which was the one thing I was trying to avoid).  Half way to Alaska Pacific University where it was being held, I realized I left my bib at home. I couldn't ask the cabbie to turn around and cost me even more dollars, so I just went with it. It was very uncomfortable for me to be there by myself, and I wasn't sure how to dress because, well, its Alaska.

Then, just to make everything a bit more interesting, when I got there, I realized that one of my ear bud jellies had gone missing. What was I gonna do? What else could I do? I couldn't just... go home. I couldn't just give up. When I realized that basically everyone around would be running, I wanted to shake myself and ask why I had even gone in the first place. But I did it anyway.

The trail was pretty. The beginning was pretty hilly, and I was kind of scared that the whole thing was going to be like that. But it evened out pretty quickly, and as the runners all broke off, I settled into a walking pace not to far behind those in front of me. It didn't take very long for me to start passing them. The trail was clearly marked, and with every bend there were a handful of people, and at two occasions, EMT's,  cheering us all on. Part of me wanted to be rude everytime I walked by and they were cheering me on. It was very difficult to accept their enthusasm as something that wasn't... contrived. I of course was the perfect picture of grattitude, saying thanks along the way to every one that was cheering. One lady said, "You're almost there!" and made me believe for a moment, that the turn around point was just over the next bend.

It wasn't.

I found it very difficult to not stop and take pictures at every turn, yet at the same time, found my pace increasing more and more and wasn't sure how I'd make my legs stop, even if I wanted. (Thus, I apologize for the crappy photos.) Finally reaching the half way point was less thrilling than I had hoped. It was just a circle marked off, and you wound your way around it. There was one woman, sitting in a chair, and ringing a cow bell.

I kept going, and going and going, I passed all the other walkers, and although all the runners had finished, I was certain I was at the head of the walker's group. Finally I made it back up the hill, then back down the hill, and suddenly there was a small group of people, a ticker and a pink line with two safety cones on either side, in the snow. I finished. I looked up at the ticker, and nearly paused. 43 minutes, you say? Surely I've been out here huffing and puffing for an hour! No? I did pull out my phone, which confirmed I had been walking for less than an hour. My mind was blown. So blown in fact, that it took 4 days to write this blog post about it. Anyway, as I was crossing the finish line, they asked me where my bib was. I felt a wave of shame try to wash over me as I explained as earnestly as possible that I left it at home. They called me a bandit, the first one of the race, and had a laugh. You see, I couldn't feel too much shame, because I already felt freakin' awesome.

Actually, Saturday was a very eventful day for me. That evening I went to see No Strings Attached with my friend Rachel. It was my second time seeing it, and I loved it both times. I love how awkward and skinny Natalie Portman is.

However, before I went and saw that movie, I attended my very first, and hopefully only,  Military Funeral. One of my very good friends committed suicide after returning from her deployment in Afghanistan. I didn't know what to say or do. I still don't. I just hope she can finally find the peace that has evaded her for so long.

So again, if you have any military people in your life, make sure they're talking about their experiences, not holding it in. That they're seeking proper medical assistance if they need it, and make sure they know you love them. I had no idea the last time I saw her would truly be the last time I saw her. I'm very grateful that I was able to see her one last time.

When it rains, it pours... awesomeness

I feel awesome today. I am excreting awesomeness, in fact. Today, I went to the gym, and with no hesitation hopped on the eliptical. I kept my heart at its target rate, rarely going above it (it was nice to be in control of how hard my heart beats) and burned 485 calories in 35 minutes. Then I hopped on the treadmill for 20 minutes. 5 of those minutes, I ran. I ran. I runned. It. Was. Beautiful. I am so proud of my self. I called my mom just after I left to tell her the awesome news. Hey mom, hey. Hey mommy hey. Mommy, hey mom, hey. Hey. Hey, hey mom hey! Guess what I did! You'll never guess what I did. Guess what I did! I ran. I RAN. I. Feel Awesome. Its like crack. (I don't know what crack is like.)

Now, I didn't run all five of those minutes together. I sparsed it out over the 20 minutes, but I'm new at this. I haven't attempted to run since some killer shinsplints, and some guys watching me out their window from last summer.


Did I mention how awesome I feel? I will probably not feel so awesome tomorrow, I can feel my knee tighening up right now, as a matter of fact, but I'm feeling pretty awesome right now, so I don't really care. Tuesday. Either in the morning, or in the evening, but I can't wait to try this again.

Current weight: 302.7

*I was going to make this a post about how awesome I am, and how terrible my new roommate is, and the fact that she's leaving in a handful of days, but then decided to just focus on how I am currently feeling. I think I've fully established how I feel, but in case you missed it, I feel AWESOME.

Enter Witty Title Here

Yesterday I woke up, and tried to Zumba, but I just wasn't feeling it. After 20 minutes I stopped, made breakfast and then got ready for work. Its really frustrating that I just can't seem to wake up early enough to get a good workout in with time left to shower and get ready for the day. I was hoping once the sun started coming up at 8 it would make a difference, but so far, no such luck. While waiting for the bus a moose crossed my path. It kind of terrified me because they're big and kick sideways. (That last part may or may not be true.)

My work day was relatively unimpressive. The best part about it was participating in Fitblog. I'm so lucky that I'm able to do that during work. It makes the last couple hours of my day just fly by. Afterwards, I kept thinking about my terribly unexciting Zumba workout. I decided when I got home, I would try it again.

Man, I impressed myself last night. I did the whole cardio party (minus the jumping bits, but I was doing other active stuff during those bits). Its impressive because I started at 9pm, and I never workout at night. I think I've decided to start, at least for the next few days before my roommate gets here.

Did I mention I'm getting a new roommate and my house will no longer be my own? We'll see what kind of wrench that throws in my plans. I'm hoping not much of one. I mean to say, I'm going to try my damnest to make sure that it doesn't. I'm going to Hawaii this fall, and I need to be able to MOVE.

Anyway, today I feel awesome and I can't wait to go home and do it again!

Victory is Mine

The business of food shall commence: breakfast was again a bowl of cereal (I heart cereal). Today it was half kashi, half frosted flakes. Its been quite some time since I've had frosted flakes. I let them sit for a while, so by the time I got around to eating them, they had gone soggy.

I was planning on being late to work today because I just didn't want to go, but ended up being on time, despite myself. It was such a beautiful day out, I felt that if I walked into my office and didn't have some blended fruit drink in my hand, the world would have surely perished. I'm not entirely sure that's a correct reason for ordering a Ginseng Power Smoothie, but I figure, protein, ginseng, banana, orange and blueberry can't all be bad. Pretty sure it was made with a ton of milk, I wasn't really paying attention. It was super creamy, but I dunno. I enjoyed walking into the office with it, and that was what I wanted to accomplish!

Lunch turned out to be one serving of sweet onion hawaii chips, and the soup I was supposed to eat, but ended up eating that mammoth of a salad from the other day. (yes. That is a recycled picture.)
I have this coworker who just rubs me the wrong way, and so we rarely interact (My supervisor has had to talk to us on two separate occasions because of this). Today however, I managed to get her to talk to one of my clients parents, because I knew that particular person would not take any thing I said as fact. While my co-worker was on the phone with this person, I ate my soup with chips. It was hard to be mindful, because I was paying more attention the conversation around me. For 120 calories it was quite filling.

I of course walked home again, because we have been having the most amazing start to a summer there could possibly be. It seemed like a little slow going at first, but it was 75 here today, and a complete shame I was only able to sneak out for two walks around the block.

Dinner of course, is the creme de la creme. Sticky rice, Stir fry veggies and Shoyu marinated chicken. We bought two breasts last night, and I was able to quarter them with no trouble. I could probably get six servings out of those two pieces, they are that big. And its only serving three....

Okay. Like I've mentioned before, I write most of these posts while I'm at work because if I had to write all of that right now, I'd probably cry and give up. Dinner turned into the most distressful affair. We had walked home, and my roommate wasn't feeling well, and asked me to cook dinner. I was happy to oblige as she had made dinner pretty much every night this week. While I was waiting on the chicken to cook, I was watching tv from the kitchen. Then out of nowhere, she gets up and starts messing with my chicken! I don't know why this angers me so much, but it does, and I had just shared my chocolate milk with someone I would never think to do that with, because I never share my chocolate milk!- So I stalked off to my room, and locked the door.

I spent two hours deciding whether or not it was reasonable to send myself to bed without eating dinner over this incident.  This stupid ridiculous thing, completely ruined my evening. I couldn't go downstairs and eat when dinner was done, because I couldn't figure out if wanting to eat was because of a cellular hunger or an emotional hunger. It was so frustrating, and I how do I explain that kind of ... panic to someone, anyone? I don't think I'm even doing it justice here.

I eventually went down stairs when I was calm enough to recognize that I was legitimately hungry. I ate the food. The rice was gluteny and mushy, the chicken was tough and dry and overly salty. The stir fry veggies were saturated in margarine. I didn't know what to do. It was basically the worst dinner I've ate since living here, ever. I could have easily stopped at three bites, but I was actually hungry. I stopped eating when I got the rest of the chicken down. Then to wash that out, I had some Oreo Cakesters and a crystal light drink.

After I had finished eating, sometime well after midnight, she sneakingly asked me to clean up the kitchen and put the food away. Something I would had been happy to do, after cooking. If I'm going to have the responsibility of cooking, then I want all the privilege of cooking. From start to finish, I don't want anyone in my kitchen unless I specifically ask for their help. Maybe its petty, and maybe its selfish, but that's the way I want my kitchen, and I'm pretty sure I made it clear.

But there is victory in this. I could have freaked out and ate everything I could. God knows I wanted to. Instead, I worked out my feelings and their relation to my want of food consumption, until they were completely separate entities. I'm quite proud of myself for that. Its those small victories that matter.


So after all the hoopla, it has gotten quite late and I almost didn't finish this blog tonight*. I knew that if I didn't do it tonight, there was a pretty good chance that I wouldn't get it done before work tomorrow. And then I'm not going to home til late tomorrow night as well, so a very small chance of getting two posts done, and long story short: not posting could lead a serious derailment in all this wonderful progress I'm made so quickly. And so, I did come to post, and I saw that I had gone from 4 to 8 followers! Hello new friends! I can't wait to get to know you all! This is going to be great! It was really humbling to see that number increase so quickly, and I'm just so happy I'm not alone in this. Not this time.

*You'll notice that I said tonight, and it posted the next morning. When I was done typing that long diatribe, my internet failed on me. It was one in the morning. I said goodnight. :)

Excited to Participate in the Blog Tour!

1. and 2. Before/After Pictures.  
See Below. I'll randomly disperse two "before" pictures. The first one is from this week, the second one is from last summer.

3.       State the amount of weight you’ve lost. 

 As of Wednesday, I have lost 10 pounds. This is ridiculously exciting to me, because I don't remember the last time I actually lost weight. Its exciting to see that number go down. I think its probably about average for a first week loss. We'll see how the following weeks go. Its nothing to get through one week of paying attention to the food I put in my body. Lets see how week two goes.

4.       If you are on a specific eating/exercise plan, what is it?

I am not following any real specific eating/exercise plan.  What I'm doing is tracking everything I eat, making sure everything I eat has a purpose, examining why I eat the things I eat, and seeing if I can make healthier changes. This blog has done a real service to me thus far, because I don't want people to see my binging. I don't want to show just how bad it gets sometimes. I had turned mindless eating into an art. And I've thought long and hard about everything, but I could never seem to get the dots to connect until just recently. So I'm giving it a real shot now, and if I have a day or two or five where all I do is eat the junkiest of the junkiest kind of food, or the food with the highest fat content, I need to be held accountable for it.  I know there are people out there know exactly what my thought process is, and that they're trying to do what I'm doing.  

5.       What is your favorite healthy snack? (share a pic if you have one)

I get the munchies. A lot. I used to munch on cookies, chips, breaded things... now I munch on things like grapes, strawberries or carrots. Unsalted peanuts, still in the shell. Carrots are good because they  provide a satisfying crunch and take a while to chew. Grapes are good any season. I particularly like them frozen- they explode like little bombs of delicious in your mouth! 

6.       What is the biggest life lesson you’ve learned on your journey? 

We'll say that my journey began when I was 8 and some kid told me that eating Taco Bell every night for dinner was making me fat. I didn't have a comeback. The biggest life lesson I've learned is, My mind as it currently exists, is poison. It is a delectable poison, it is a mirage of beauty, but in the long run it exists to destroy everything that is good about me. My mind is my mind. I've trained it to be this way. Knowing this, I know I have the ability to train my mind into something that is not poison, that will not destroy me. I've already started, and I can tell I'm a better person for it. 

7.       What is the biggest strength you’ve discovered about yourself? 

I am capable.  Of living, of breathing, of making decisions based on facts, and knowing the difference between an emotional response, and a mindful response.

8.       What has been your toughest struggle?

Up until now, it has always been about control. Too much control, not enough control... no control at all. Trying to give up control, giving it over to something/someone else... I DON'T LIKE FEELING CONTROLLED! 

9.       Who has been your biggest supporter and why?

I would love to say anyone but myself. I don't let people help me. I especially don't don't let people help me when it comes to my weight loss, or even talking about it. I think its a shame thing. But if not myself, then my cousin. She's been there through all of my disordered eating, and has been encouraging in every way she's able. 

10.   When you get to goal, what will you do next?

It might seem funny, and possibly the antithesis of losing weight, but I currently don't have a "goal". I do, I suppose, but its not concrete. I want to be able to shop in regular clothing stores. I want to be able to buckle my seat belt on airplanes. I want to be able to run 5k and 10k marathons. I don't want to develop diabetes. I don't want to lose my limbs. I don't want my heart to give out because it just can't work as hard as it has been. I want to feel desirable. I want to look on the outside how I've always felt on the inside. Those are my goals. Whatever weight I'm at, when I can finally scratch all those things off as accomplished, is perfect. Until then, I'll just watch the numbers go down, and my capability and self esteem go up.

11.   What do you wish someone had told you when you first began? 

I understand that this question is asking, "...first began the weight loss journey?" But I'm going to answer a different ending. "What do you wish someone had told you when you first began your disordered eating?" 

Eating food isn't going to fix your problems and neither is not eating it. We need food to live. That's always been the case. You're going to hate yourself later for all the choices you've made now. And when you finally get around to "fixing" it, its going to be harder than you ever imagined. Whenever you're ready to get to "fixing" it, I'll be there to help you along the way, the best I know how. And even if you hate yourself, just know, I love you and think you are amazing. Because you are.

12.   Share any other words of wisdom you want to share.

Eating food isn't going to fix your problems and neither is not eating it. We need food to live. That's always been the case. You're going to hate yourself later for all the choices you've made now. And when you finally get around to "fixing" it, its going to be harder than you ever imagined. Whenever you're ready to get to "fixing" it, I'll be there to help you along the way, the best I know how. And even if you hate yourself, just know, I love you and think you are amazing. Because you are.

13.    Please Visit Laura at: http://journeytoafitmama.blogspot.com/

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I Will Not Deny Myself if There is No Problem

As previously mentioned today, I had Kashi Go Lean Crunch and Cinnamon Toast Crunch for my cereal today. I ate it again with regular cow milk, and I can really feel the difference in my body afterward. I feel heavy and slow, and kind of sick to my stomach. Do Not Like.

As I was preparing for my work day, my coworker texted me and asked if I'd like to eat out for lunch. PANIC!!!!!
I wasn't sure if I should eat breakfast, and then I wasn't sure if what I should eat if I ate breakfast, because I don't go into work until Noon, three days out of five. It terrified me to have to figure out how to eat "healthy" while eating out so soon. I'm not sure I managed it correctly this time around.

I ended up ordering a BLT salad at this new restaurant close to my work. I knew the portions would be astounding when, after ordering a strawberry lemonade, they directed me to a 24 oz. mason jar, and then told me to fill it up. ( I took a picture for posterity, but I couldn't get it to upload. Boo.)

The salad of course, was spectacular. Do you see all that ranch? Do you see the four strips of bacon, chopped up beneath all of that ranch? Do you see the 6 ounces of cheese sitting on that plate? I COULD I HAVE DIED if I ate all of it. But I was good- I was real good. I ate slowly, I listened to my stomach, I put my fork down frequently, and I only ate the parts that I wanted. I ended up eating two of the cheese chunks, a bite of the deviled egg, and all of the bacon. When I decided I could eat no more, there was 4 ounces of cheese and two cups of romaine lettuce still on my plate.

And then they served us an after dinner raspberry truffle. It was light and fluffy, and occurred to me that I had never had a truffle that was chocolate all the way through. This one was more cakey, if you will.

I walked home from work, and was very tempted to just eat whatever was lying around, namely mini corn dogs, and frozen pizza. We ate all the decent food. Instead, my roommate and I stopped by the locally owned grocery and picked up some green beans, and porkchops. We made Huli-Huli pork chops this evening.

I worry about all the sauce that it was cooked in, as it was probably about two cups worth, and then the pork just cooked in it as the sauce slowly reduced, and eventually turned into a glaze. These pork chops were perfectly delectable. I wasn't talking during the dinner conversation, but I was the last one to finish eating. I thoroughly enjoyed every single bite. Each one was a new surprise. The green beans were tasteless, as they had been boiled in water. I never understood boiling vegetables. They don't taste like anything by the time your done unless you drown them in butter and salt (which was what my roommate wanted to do, but I kinda talked her out of it), and then they're just down right unhealthy and not worthy of being called a vegetable.

No, that's not right. Vegetables shouldn't have to give up their right to be vegetables, just because some human decides to smother them in saturated delicious fat! They've become victims, not unlike those who are eating said veggies.

And then, because I just felt like I didn't have enough sugar today, I had a bowl of Reese Pieces cereal with plain soy milk. I finally got some more! I was so relieved to be using it instead, it was like a welcome home party in my mouth!

I always feel like I have to rush while eating cereal because if I don't it will get soggy. The only bad part about it becoming soggy is that its not as fun to eat anymore. Even as I enjoyed the flavor and the texture, I was eating alone again, and I was bored out of my mind. I won't lie: The second my roommate had walked out the door, I had opened one of the cupboards, looking for a snack.

But I figure, right now I have managed to completely cut out my after work binging. One bowl of cereal does not constitute a binge. three plus a bag of popcorn and the rest of my Oreo Cakesters and some hot-dogs is more of a binge. So, I'm going to call today successful. And remember to never order a salad from that restaurant again!

Sunday Dinner

Oh man, what a doozie. It was a beautiful day, and I was feeling very motivated to get out and enjoy it. I mapped out, and walked a little over a mile, which really just felt like taking a stroll around the block. Which it was, I guess. I'm still getting used to this whole "distance" thing. Then I had a meeting to attend, but I didn't want to go hungry, because it was at a bar, and we all know about bar food: deliciously tempteous. Instead, I had some Peanut Thai noodle thing, that was only 240 calories, and perfectly tasty. Perhaps would have been better with a little chili sauce, but that's just me.

Off I went to my meeting, where I learned about my new duties as a Documentaries Co-Programmer for the local Film Festival. My life is basically amazing right now. I learned quite a lot, mostly that I have no idea what I'm doing, and the other person in charge knows waaaaay more than me, as he is actually a film maker. But it should be interesting to see what happens, and if nothing else, he's a character. I'm quite excited to work with him.

I texted my roommate on my mile walk home to see what was for dinner. We had a Lost party tonight. (I'm writing this on Monday. Please excuse my tenses.) She says, "Well, we ordered pizza."

Oh God, my nemesis.

"Okay, I make chicken." I reply.

"We ordered two large pizzas. You eat pizza." She insists.

She was right- I ate pizza. I don't think I was quite ready for the responsibility of the most tasty food that's not chocolate, at that point. I should have just made some chicken and be happy about it. But no, I ate the pizza. I tried preparing myself as best as I could. I ate a t table, every bite I took, I faced away from the television, I paused several times to see if I was full.

I ended up eating three pieces. Not bad, all in all. Still one piece more than necessary, and I did chose the larger of pieces available. If I had bought the pizza myself, I can assure you, that would have been the end right there, I would have eaten everything that hadn't been eaten yet. That whole pizza would have been gone.

Welcome to the New Me.

(PS: I write most of these at work, and I haven't uploaded any of the pictures yet, but I wanted to post this. Pictures will come as soon as I get home!)

 DISCLOSURE: Its been one week since I started photographing EVERY SINGLE THING I CHEW, and apparently yesterday was the first time I forgot (there was one other time, and that was because of lighting issues. lol.) to take one. Any guesses what I scarfed down without immortalizing?

An ear of corn.

I mindlessly ate an ear of corn.

I am amused.

100 calories

It was dark, and I was getting angry at my roommate for having feelings, and really really wanted a brownie. But I didn't want to take another picture of the brownie.... I'm still working on my lighting situation. Anyway, instead of having a brownie, I went for 100 calorie Oreos which don't taste like Oreos at all, really. I also chugged some chocolate soy milk. Probably not more than a cup's worth. I was trying so hard not to have that brownie. It almost caused me physical pain to walk away from it. I ended up leaving before Clueless ended because I knew if I stayed down there I would eventually give in to every craving, and binge eat like I haven't binge ate before!

I need to remind myself that its okay if I eat a brownie. Its not okay to eat 7 of them. That doesn't matter today. It was all tied into emotions, and I'm paying close attention to those this time around. I was frustrated about something completely unrelated to food, and went in search of it. It only makes sense that I have the healthier of the two.

Today is SOOO not a soup day

Breakfast consisted of the other half of cantaloupe sitting in my fridge. There was a small bruised spot that looked a little moldy, but I ate around it. I love cantaloupe. Its juicy and sweet, and subtle. It has the ability to be pungent and mouth watering (I do this by using salt- which I didn't do today), but I enjoy it most on clear blue sky mornings that stay nice and cool until the sun finally breaks the barrier and everything becomes drenched with warmth.

There were quite a few people in my house this morning, which was kind of off putting. I'm used to it just being my roommate and myself. After I ate the cantaloupe, I figured I should probably have something that wasn't just sugar, and had a granola bar. There are definitely better ones on the market, that probably provide more nutrients, but I was happy with the extra oomph it gave me. I didn't feel full at the end of breakfast, but I did feel like I didn't need to eat any more. That's not a feeling I recognize easily.

I ate lunch around 3pm. It consisted of soup and tortilla chips.  There is 10 chips per serving, and I ate half of them; the left overs were eaten as a snack later. I packed a chocolate pudding snack, and I have about a pound and half of granola in my desk. I have no desire for the granola today.

The soup was pretty good, but not too long after eating it, I felt gross. Like my whole body had slowed down, and my mind got a little foggy.

 The day went by rather quickly, even though I sat stranded at my desk. Around 4:30 I snuck out of the office and walked around the block. It calmed me, and gave me the extra boost I needed to get through the rest of the work day.

After that, I didn't eat until dinner. When I got home, I decompressed in my room, just sitting by myself, and listening to music. When I came down stairs, I decided if I was going eat, then I had to cook, and if I had to cook, then I was going to have to clean the kitchen. I didn't get around to dinner until 10:00.

I think this picture didn't come out very well, but I made chicken with cheesy broccoli rice. There was 2.5 servings in the package once cooked, and I made sure to put away at least one serving's worth in the fridge. I only cooked one piece of chicken. I'm trying to decide if its worth copying another picture of brownie over to this post, or taking another picture. I really want a brownie, but I'm upset at my roommate and I don't want to eat when I'm upset. Thats when I don't know when to stop.

Its late now, and we're watching Clueless. I wanted to be these girls so bad when I was 10 years old. I was convinced Cher was exactly how I was supposed to look, but I could never be white, so I could never be thin.

I don't think I'll mean that statement in the morning.

Looking back on Yesterday

...  I noticed something that I wrote, and I don't think that I mean to. Or that I didn't mean it the way it came out. I said, "no to grapes, cantaloupe, and carrots," and ate a brownie instead.

What would be a more accurate statement is, I said no to, "grapes, cantaloupe, carrots, cookies, potato chips, granola bars, dark chocolate, mashed potatoes, white rice with cheese, quesadillas, pop tarts, cashews, cheese-its, tortilla chips, Oreo Cakesters, peanut butter sandwich crackers, and frozen pizza, ice cream, macaroni and cheese, and still, more soda." and then ate a brownie. Perhaps the brownie was not the smartest choice, or the healthiest. But I stopped after I had it because it was what I really wanted.

Already this becoming tedious.

Dinner was late as always. I get off work at 8, home at 8:10, just in time to watch Lost, and dinner starts getting made around 9 or 9:30. It usually gets eaten by 10:25, and I'm in bed by midnight. This is how almost all of my nights go. It is such a shame that I just go to bed so soon after getting home. In Alaska during the summer, the sun stays up all night. Driving home the other day from a movie that got out at 11:57pm, I could still see the sun setting. Most of the sky was dark, but there was this one patch, where everything was brilliant yellow gold. Dinner consisted of two chicken patties on white bread with american cheese and mayo. Wholly unappetizing. I ate them while watching Lost. <--- See my Behavior not changing? Me too.

I'm full now. I drank a cherry coca cola. Coming home into the the den of the devil is only asking for trouble. I have two trays of brownies sitting on my counter, plus a whole cupboard dedicated to the munchies. Could barely convince myself to stay out of the kitchen, let alone be in the kitchen and look for something healthy. I did talk myself out of the kitchen numerous times, and I owe this journal quite a lot of appreciation already. You saw I already ate one brownie.

Well, I ate another one as well.  But the inconvenience of having to photograph everything I wanted to eat kept me from about half of the freezer, all of the snack cupboard, and I left victorious. It is a very big deal for me to say no to so many options that are going through my head. I thought most of them out in the previous post. cantaloupe, carrots, grapes...

I know I need a new routine when I get home. My biggest thing is just to decompress, and food certainly helps with that. Tomorrow, weather permitting, I plan on walking home from work. I'll even wear the appropriate shoes.

Some exercise tidbits I feel like I should disclose: I stretch all the time. Partly because my back seems to always be hurting these days, but mostly because thats something I've always done. I love stretching. I love doing yoga. I usually don't do a lot of yoga, it doesn't get very intense. I slowed down on that when I felt it getting harder instead of easier. I gave in to the resistance, and stopped resisting.

My major decision making moment in deciding to give losing weight a real shot was realizing that I felt fat. I don't think I had felt that before. Please understand, I can push it around, and pinch it, and squash and lift my fat, but I've never felt fat before. Now, I finally feel it becoming more difficult to get around, up, down, on my knees, out of bed.

If I don't do something about the way I feel right now, my punishment is to continue feeling this way. I hate the way this feels. I feel disgusting. I don't trust my body anymore, I'm afraid its not capable anymore.  This is a truly terrifying feeling.

I think I'll do some real yoga right now. The only way this feeling is going to go away is if I make it.

My hunger is like a Prima Donna- Someone needs to tell her to SHUT UP

For breakfast this morning, I decided that I needed to have some more protein in the morning, and had a bowl of Kashi GOLEAN Crunch! cereal with chocolate soy milk. I remember it tasting a bit sweeter when I was younger (knowing this, I employed the chocolate soy milk instead), but I wonder if that was also because I was a vegetarian at that point in my life, and therefore everything tasted a little different. Today though, it was just what I needed. I started eating around 11 am, and realized that because of my new "get to work on time, instead of 20 minutes late" routine, I was actually already running late. And of course, I chose the cereal that would take longest to eat. You can't just shovel this into your mouth. Well, you can, but then you have to chew. This cereal requires chewing- commands it even. But I learned something; that Kashi GoLean Crunch! is definitely worth my time 9 grams of protein per serving. Its been three hours, and I'm still comfortably not hungry.

Its an odd thing for me to distinguish between "Not hungry" and "full". If I'm not hungry, then its generally because I'm full. Today, I was not filled by my cereal, and hours later I still don't really feel like snacking.

I will admit, I have been sucking on this for a while, however. Its Fuze green tea (freshly brewed) mixed with lemonade and sprite. Cause its my fave.


For lunch, I stopped by Subway (I wanted to eat fresh) and for some reason the same panic always rises over me while there. There are way too many options, and the way they have their menus set up causes me great distress, because I can never find anything. I considered getting the foot long of the day, which on Tuesdays is Meatball Marinara. That one happens to be my favorite sandwich, but I decided to pass, because I knew it would only be seconds before the red sauce squirted out of the back of the sandwich and down my brand new gray tank top, which already has a splash of chocolate soy milk on it today. I thought about a tuna salad sandwich, but the idea of eating tuna that I didn't prepare myself always makes me a little ill. The line was shortening, and I couldn't make up my mind. What I really wanted was a roast turkey breast and roast beef sandwich with avocado, but alas, Subway does not carry the avocado... at least not in Alaska. So I decided that I had to have chicken breast. Making decisions at Subway is basically the hardest thing ever.

Finally it was my turn, and I asked for a chicken breast salad. I don't usually get salads at subway, but I'm trying to make healthier decisions, and what with welcoming myself back to the real world where things never change quite the way you want it to, I'm happy with the salad choice. On top of my two cups of iceberg lettuce is spinach, tomato, onion, black olives, Parmesan cheese and honey mustard sauce. (I'm not really sure if its just dressing or just mustard, or if its some kind of happy in between thing that I'm not presently aware of.)

At about 2:30, I felt some hunger pains. Normally my first reaction to those feelings is "I Need Food NOW!" It is very rare for me to go, "oh, it'll pass." These pains, they're like a prima donna lazing in her bed, in satin and chiffon, ringing a bell and demanding more food! I am Cinderella, helpless to these demands- I must obey. Some how I forgot how to say, "FUCK YOU, you lazy bitch!" or, "No. Not right now." I'm starting to though, and that's the important thing to remember. I left my desk at work, and walked around the block. That seemed to make the feeling go away, and plus it got me moving.

I realized that I hadn't been drinking water today, so I filled up my 24oz. National Guard water bottle. I joined that with some blueberry granola, and munched on that for a while.  Perhaps next time I pour myself some granola, I will make a game out of how long it takes me to eat it. Today, it didn't last very long. I also ate it infront of my laptop <--- violation of rule 2: Thou Shall Not Eat In Front of Back Lit Screens.

One may also notice that I'm not exactly keeping track of my calorie intake. Right now, even though its rule, I don't want to focus on the actual intake of calories, I want to focus on my intake of food. Sometimes I feel like we break things down so much we forget to look at the big picture. Today, I want to follow my progress through out the week, see where my weak choices are, and where my strong choices are, and then reconfigure for next week. Losing weight is going to take time, and consideration. How can I limit how many calories I inhale, if I don't pay attention to what I'm inhaling? How is eating 1700 calories worth of popcorn for my day's total caloric intake going to do in any good, if I forget to acknowledge the soda I drank with it?

I spend a good portion of my day, a lot of days, eating the right thing. I eat cereal, and sandwiches, and baked chicken. Then I'll eat 10 cookies and a glass of milk. Then I'll grab some chips, and a soda to wash it down. I snack and snack and snack, and that adds up. Its usually at home, at night, when I'm not doing anything but watching TV and wondering why I didn't wake up with the body of my dreams already in place.  Tonight, I know I'll munch. My house was built for those who have munchies. We have 5 different kinds of chips, and that's not including the crackers, or the items you usually put on chips and crackers. Like cheese.

But tonight I am feeling very mindful. I feel like I will probably make chicken of some sort, and I have half a cantaloupe that needs to be eaten before it goes bad. Plus I bought some organic baby carrots, and I still have some strawberries and grapes!

When I was younger, we didn't waste food. every bite got eaten. We were too poor to do otherwise. <---excuse for eating the cantaloupe. I want it, just not today. If not today, it might be too late. I guess we'll find out.

The Rules

So, on this journey, I'm going to go about this my own way. I am always looking for helpful hints, tips and books, but I've never really been a fan of "labels". I don't like following other peoples rules- I'd rather create my own.

I feel like a lot of my new eating rules might seem a little weird, or off putting. They are completely subjective to me, I am not stating that the following will cause weight loss, or that what I'm doing is even a good idea.

1) Must photograph every thing that gets eaten
exception: water, brewed tea and crystal light. I drink these things all the time.

2) May not be sitting in front of computer screen or television while eating.
This includes movie theaters.

3) Be aware of all serving sizes, and stick to them as often as possible.

4) Get creative with preparing food.

5) Count all Calories going in- Count as many as possible going out.
There is no limit to how many calories I can consume.

6)Participate in the couch to 5k program at least three days a week, weekends optional but encouraged.

7) Additional rules may be added or taken away as to be determined by what works, and what does not.

8) Document everything on this blog.

I will be breaking down the reasons behind these rules in later posts. (Please understand, I have ADD and get distracted very easily. I suppose I could hold off on posting this, but I want it up quickly.)

Dinner

Today has been a challenge in managing my food intake. I keep reminding myself that this new "lifestyle" is not about restricting. Its about being aware. Aware of everything that goes in, and everything that goes out. Aware of how I feel about both of those things.

Simmering on the stove, my dinner. I made split pea soup with ham. I really wished I had some bacon lying around, for flavor. But alas, I used multiple seasonings instead, as well as a little olive oil and two tablespoons of margarine.  While the soup was cooking, I decided I needed a little snack.

I had bought three pounds of unsalted peanuts in their shells. I have to confess, I'm almost worried about eating them. There is still quite a lot of dirt on the outer shelling, and I'm pretty sure that's where E.coli lives. But they're pretty tasty, and provided the distraction I needed to finish cooking dinner. By that I mean, I let myself get so hungry the hunger pains felt closer to sharp stabs, and I'm pretty sure my blood sugar was dropping <-- Why I constantly snack. My blood sugar feels low, and so I eat, but don't know when to stop.

A Cherry Coca-Cola, cause its my fav. Again it left me with a filmy taste in my mouth.

I made toast to go along with my soup. My house is without a toaster, however, so I used the broiler. The broiler is a very tricky item, something I've only used once or twice in my life. You leave it in for too long, things start burning and catching fire. If you keep checking in however, all the heat escapes, thus taking longer to cook.

I burned my toast. Luckily, I was able to scrap off all the blackened bits.

I remembered I had some grapes in the refrigerator, and thought they would provide a nice contrast to the split pea soup. I remember in Under the Tuscan Sun (Widescreen Edition) when Frances writes about the grapes even tasting like purple... I think of that every time I eat a grape now. They do taste like purple. If purple had a taste, I mean. I don't try eggplant think it tastes like purple.

The split pea and ham soup was so delicious I had to have a second bowl. I figured it was fairly low in calories... maybe 200 per cup. I enjoy the texture and the taste, as the thick green gooey paste dissolves. The ham offers a nice surprise, something to chew on. This soup sticks to your gut, leaves you feeling full and sated well after you're done. The best part is, I have left overs for another day!

This is the cookie brownie I had to top it all off. There is nothing healthy about this brownie, but it sure tastes good. I ate the slightly over cooked crust first, breaking it apart into bite sized pieces. Usually I wash my baked goods down with a glass of milk. I really miss it sometimes. But I know I'm better off without it.

Part of this journal is not to feel guilty about what I eat. I have so much guilt associated with food. I just want to enjoy every moment of every day. I know tomorrow, once I go back to the real world, keeping track of every bite, of every thought is going to be difficult. I don't want to explain myself to everyone I come across. But I also know that to be successful in losing weight, changes are going to have to be made. Right now, that involves keeping track of everything I eat, and encouraging as much excercise as possible.

I have made a commitment to do the couch to 5k. I have not started it yet. I do not know why. It is late outside now, and I know that I will not take a walk tonight. I hope I can work up the courage to take my first steps tomorrow, because I know exercise will increase my self esteem.

So far, I've written more today than I have in years. I have faith today because 4 outta 5 ain't bad.

Lunch

For lunch today, I decided I wanted something a little spicy. While I was waiting for the oven to warm up, I noticed that we have some bananas getting quite ripe indeed, and decided to eat one. They are the kind on steroids. This one must have been a whole 12 inches long!

The banana was very sweet, and mushy. Perfectly ripe. A couple of more days, and they'll be ready for banana bread. Too bad I don't have a bread pan.... I would totally make some. I love banana bread warm with butter, and a mug of hot cocoa. A great way to warm up during the dark winters of Alaska.

Finally the oven had heated up to 450 degrees, and I put in the jalepeno poppers. I made six of them, as the serving size was 3. The cheese was oozing and bubbling on the tray when I pulled them out, but they scrapped off well enough. I ate the burnt cheese parts before I took the picture. <-- See that disclosure? Its because I eat without realizing it.

I eat all the time without realizing it. Its little things like that, too. A handful of peanuts. A couple extra sips of chocolate soy milk, straight out of the carton. Standing in the kitchen, wondering what I can eat next. These are the behaviors I'm trying to change.

Last night, my roommate made these scrumpticious frosted brownies. They are moist and decadent, and just how chocolate should taste. They melt in your mouth, and cause your synapses to explode with pleasure.

Clearly, I am a fool. Because how did I enjoy this treat? Shoving it into my mouth, one bite at a time, as I walked up the stairs to do some more laundry. The reason behind not eating in front of moving pictures is to focus my attention on what I'm putting into my body. I should cherish every bite, understand each subtlety. I should understand the process of its creation and destruction. I should remember the way it feels as it settles in my belly, over flowed, and bloaty. How that feeling doesn't go away. It lingers.

And then I washed it all down with a nice refreshing can of Coca-Cola. It always leaving me feeling like I should brush my teeth. I never fail to remember what it does to battery acid, and yet, I still persist in putting it in my body because it tastes good going down.

I suppose down the road I can decide what I can live without. If I never had soda again, my life would only be better for it. I'm not missing out on anything by drinking tea or water instead. Tea has a brilliant talent of never tasting quite the same twice. Its always just a hint different. Maybe it was brewed too long, or too short. Maybe its usual blend of flavors was effected in some way by climate change, or agricultural law.

Its about time to get out of the house, don'tcha know. Three days a week I must do the couch to 5k. I have decided Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays will be those days.  I need to get something like The Beginning Runner's Handbook. At my current weight I probably shouldn't be running, but I want to work my way up to it, and I definitely should know how to take care of myself so I don't cause injury. I already have a bum knee. <-- One more excuse as to why I don't exercise as frequent or often or for any other reason, because its an excuse.