Dinner

Today has been a challenge in managing my food intake. I keep reminding myself that this new "lifestyle" is not about restricting. Its about being aware. Aware of everything that goes in, and everything that goes out. Aware of how I feel about both of those things.

Simmering on the stove, my dinner. I made split pea soup with ham. I really wished I had some bacon lying around, for flavor. But alas, I used multiple seasonings instead, as well as a little olive oil and two tablespoons of margarine.  While the soup was cooking, I decided I needed a little snack.

I had bought three pounds of unsalted peanuts in their shells. I have to confess, I'm almost worried about eating them. There is still quite a lot of dirt on the outer shelling, and I'm pretty sure that's where E.coli lives. But they're pretty tasty, and provided the distraction I needed to finish cooking dinner. By that I mean, I let myself get so hungry the hunger pains felt closer to sharp stabs, and I'm pretty sure my blood sugar was dropping <-- Why I constantly snack. My blood sugar feels low, and so I eat, but don't know when to stop.

A Cherry Coca-Cola, cause its my fav. Again it left me with a filmy taste in my mouth.

I made toast to go along with my soup. My house is without a toaster, however, so I used the broiler. The broiler is a very tricky item, something I've only used once or twice in my life. You leave it in for too long, things start burning and catching fire. If you keep checking in however, all the heat escapes, thus taking longer to cook.

I burned my toast. Luckily, I was able to scrap off all the blackened bits.

I remembered I had some grapes in the refrigerator, and thought they would provide a nice contrast to the split pea soup. I remember in Under the Tuscan Sun (Widescreen Edition) when Frances writes about the grapes even tasting like purple... I think of that every time I eat a grape now. They do taste like purple. If purple had a taste, I mean. I don't try eggplant think it tastes like purple.

The split pea and ham soup was so delicious I had to have a second bowl. I figured it was fairly low in calories... maybe 200 per cup. I enjoy the texture and the taste, as the thick green gooey paste dissolves. The ham offers a nice surprise, something to chew on. This soup sticks to your gut, leaves you feeling full and sated well after you're done. The best part is, I have left overs for another day!

This is the cookie brownie I had to top it all off. There is nothing healthy about this brownie, but it sure tastes good. I ate the slightly over cooked crust first, breaking it apart into bite sized pieces. Usually I wash my baked goods down with a glass of milk. I really miss it sometimes. But I know I'm better off without it.

Part of this journal is not to feel guilty about what I eat. I have so much guilt associated with food. I just want to enjoy every moment of every day. I know tomorrow, once I go back to the real world, keeping track of every bite, of every thought is going to be difficult. I don't want to explain myself to everyone I come across. But I also know that to be successful in losing weight, changes are going to have to be made. Right now, that involves keeping track of everything I eat, and encouraging as much excercise as possible.

I have made a commitment to do the couch to 5k. I have not started it yet. I do not know why. It is late outside now, and I know that I will not take a walk tonight. I hope I can work up the courage to take my first steps tomorrow, because I know exercise will increase my self esteem.

So far, I've written more today than I have in years. I have faith today because 4 outta 5 ain't bad.