I'm not sitting my Spanish final today.

I am pretty sure I have officially failed all of my classes this semester. This was not how that was supposed to happen. I could go to my spanish final. I still have time to get ready. But heres the thing: I know I'm not going to be able to answer any of the questions, because I've only been studying for the test for the last hour. Even if I could memorize all the new verbs and how to conjugate them, I still don't remember all the new rules I'm also supposed to apply to them. I've got no practice speaking it or even listening to it, really. This isn't cold feet here, its honesty.

A lot of things have not worked out for me this year. I still haven't really lost any weigh because I keep gaining it back; I was supposed to move to Colorado after my grandfather died; I was supposed to buy a car and learn to drive this summer; Not having a roommate is way more expensive then orginially anticipated; I failed my classes this semester.  But a lot of really amazing things have happened too.

I walked my first 5 mile race. I volunteered for a position way over my capabilities, and didn't suck at it entirely. I visited my mom twice, and my cousin once. I saw both family members before their passing. Even though I didn't want to hear it, my family is proud of me. I actually have people who want to be around me... even during my off days.

And the thing about me is, I don't really care that I pass my classes or not. I feel like society thinks I should. I know the school certainly thinks I should. School's original purpose for me this semester was to keep me too busy from noticing how dark it is. Guess what- it didn't work. So schools purpose then became a burden to me instead. I have a much better understanding of the Spanish language than I did 5 months ago. I have come to realize that sociology is a great way to explore the way I see the world, as well as how others see it. Now that I know how businesses function on a more professional level, its easier to imagine how I might start one of my own some day.


What I'm saying is, I only want to learn what I want to learn. I hate that I didn't put out enough effort to pass my classes, but I did learn what I wanted to know. So to me, this has been a successful semester.

So instead of going to class, I think I'll Zumba!

And, I'm back!

Last week was full of amazing views of really awesomely huge trees, millions upon billions of gallons of water (none of it drinkable).... pictures to come later. It was also full of eating out every single meal, very little walking, and almost a complete return to the person I was before.

This weekend is the half marathon, and well, I don't think I'm going to go. I know I can walk 8 miles. I don't know that I can walk 13. Not yet. Maybe I can.  I don't know. Tomorrow is the last day to register, and I haven't yet. There's a possibility that I'll register for something smaller, and more attainable. Not that walking the half marathon isn't attainable. I'm worried with all the stress I'm bringing into my life, walking this will aggravate my body in a way that will make everything else even slower to recuperate from.  I start school full time next week. I have a rent I can barely afford, bills that seems to only get higher, and more and more responsibility thrust upon me with the film festival. Of course, this is the way I wanted it-  I wanted to be busy and with very little time to think. But I'm already exhausted just thinking about all the things I need to take care of, and most none of them have even begun yet!

Wish me luck!