Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Already this becoming tedious.

Dinner was late as always. I get off work at 8, home at 8:10, just in time to watch Lost, and dinner starts getting made around 9 or 9:30. It usually gets eaten by 10:25, and I'm in bed by midnight. This is how almost all of my nights go. It is such a shame that I just go to bed so soon after getting home. In Alaska during the summer, the sun stays up all night. Driving home the other day from a movie that got out at 11:57pm, I could still see the sun setting. Most of the sky was dark, but there was this one patch, where everything was brilliant yellow gold. Dinner consisted of two chicken patties on white bread with american cheese and mayo. Wholly unappetizing. I ate them while watching Lost. <--- See my Behavior not changing? Me too.
I'm full now. I drank a cherry coca cola. Coming home into the the den of the devil is only asking for trouble. I have two trays of brownies sitting on my counter, plus a whole cupboard dedicated to the munchies. Could barely convince myself to stay out of the kitchen, let alone be in the kitchen and look for something healthy. I did talk myself out of the kitchen numerous times, and I owe this journal quite a lot of appreciation already. You saw I already ate one brownie.
Well, I ate another one as well.  But the inconvenience of having to photograph everything I wanted to eat kept me from about half of the freezer, all of the snack cupboard, and I left victorious. It is a very big deal for me to say no to so many options that are going through my head. I thought most of them out in the previous post. cantaloupe, carrots, grapes...

I know I need a new routine when I get home. My biggest thing is just to decompress, and food certainly helps with that. Tomorrow, weather permitting, I plan on walking home from work. I'll even wear the appropriate shoes.

Some exercise tidbits I feel like I should disclose: I stretch all the time. Partly because my back seems to always be hurting these days, but mostly because thats something I've always done. I love stretching. I love doing yoga. I usually don't do a lot of yoga, it doesn't get very intense. I slowed down on that when I felt it getting harder instead of easier. I gave in to the resistance, and stopped resisting.

My major decision making moment in deciding to give losing weight a real shot was realizing that I felt fat. I don't think I had felt that before. Please understand, I can push it around, and pinch it, and squash and lift my fat, but I've never felt fat before. Now, I finally feel it becoming more difficult to get around, up, down, on my knees, out of bed.

If I don't do something about the way I feel right now, my punishment is to continue feeling this way. I hate the way this feels. I feel disgusting. I don't trust my body anymore, I'm afraid its not capable anymore.  This is a truly terrifying feeling.

I think I'll do some real yoga right now. The only way this feeling is going to go away is if I make it.


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