Tuesday, May 18, 2010

My hunger is like a Prima Donna- Someone needs to tell her to SHUT UP

For breakfast this morning, I decided that I needed to have some more protein in the morning, and had a bowl of Kashi GOLEAN Crunch! cereal with chocolate soy milk. I remember it tasting a bit sweeter when I was younger (knowing this, I employed the chocolate soy milk instead), but I wonder if that was also because I was a vegetarian at that point in my life, and therefore everything tasted a little different. Today though, it was just what I needed. I started eating around 11 am, and realized that because of my new "get to work on time, instead of 20 minutes late" routine, I was actually already running late. And of course, I chose the cereal that would take longest to eat. You can't just shovel this into your mouth. Well, you can, but then you have to chew. This cereal requires chewing- commands it even. But I learned something; that Kashi GoLean Crunch! is definitely worth my time 9 grams of protein per serving. Its been three hours, and I'm still comfortably not hungry.

Its an odd thing for me to distinguish between "Not hungry" and "full". If I'm not hungry, then its generally because I'm full. Today, I was not filled by my cereal, and hours later I still don't really feel like snacking.

I will admit, I have been sucking on this for a while, however. Its Fuze green tea (freshly brewed) mixed with lemonade and sprite. Cause its my fave.

For lunch, I stopped by Subway (I wanted to eat fresh) and for some reason the same panic always rises over me while there. There are way too many options, and the way they have their menus set up causes me great distress, because I can never find anything. I considered getting the foot long of the day, which on Tuesdays is Meatball Marinara. That one happens to be my favorite sandwich, but I decided to pass, because I knew it would only be seconds before the red sauce squirted out of the back of the sandwich and down my brand new gray tank top, which already has a splash of chocolate soy milk on it today. I thought about a tuna salad sandwich, but the idea of eating tuna that I didn't prepare myself always makes me a little ill. The line was shortening, and I couldn't make up my mind. What I really wanted was a roast turkey breast and roast beef sandwich with avocado, but alas, Subway does not carry the avocado... at least not in Alaska. So I decided that I had to have chicken breast. Making decisions at Subway is basically the hardest thing ever.

Finally it was my turn, and I asked for a chicken breast salad. I don't usually get salads at subway, but I'm trying to make healthier decisions, and what with welcoming myself back to the real world where things never change quite the way you want it to, I'm happy with the salad choice. On top of my two cups of iceberg lettuce is spinach, tomato, onion, black olives, Parmesan cheese and honey mustard sauce. (I'm not really sure if its just dressing or just mustard, or if its some kind of happy in between thing that I'm not presently aware of.)

At about 2:30, I felt some hunger pains. Normally my first reaction to those feelings is "I Need Food NOW!" It is very rare for me to go, "oh, it'll pass." These pains, they're like a prima donna lazing in her bed, in satin and chiffon, ringing a bell and demanding more food! I am Cinderella, helpless to these demands- I must obey. Some how I forgot how to say, "FUCK YOU, you lazy bitch!" or, "No. Not right now." I'm starting to though, and that's the important thing to remember. I left my desk at work, and walked around the block. That seemed to make the feeling go away, and plus it got me moving.

I realized that I hadn't been drinking water today, so I filled up my 24oz. National Guard water bottle. I joined that with some blueberry granola, and munched on that for a while.  Perhaps next time I pour myself some granola, I will make a game out of how long it takes me to eat it. Today, it didn't last very long. I also ate it infront of my laptop <--- violation of rule 2: Thou Shall Not Eat In Front of Back Lit Screens.

One may also notice that I'm not exactly keeping track of my calorie intake. Right now, even though its rule, I don't want to focus on the actual intake of calories, I want to focus on my intake of food. Sometimes I feel like we break things down so much we forget to look at the big picture. Today, I want to follow my progress through out the week, see where my weak choices are, and where my strong choices are, and then reconfigure for next week. Losing weight is going to take time, and consideration. How can I limit how many calories I inhale, if I don't pay attention to what I'm inhaling? How is eating 1700 calories worth of popcorn for my day's total caloric intake going to do in any good, if I forget to acknowledge the soda I drank with it?

I spend a good portion of my day, a lot of days, eating the right thing. I eat cereal, and sandwiches, and baked chicken. Then I'll eat 10 cookies and a glass of milk. Then I'll grab some chips, and a soda to wash it down. I snack and snack and snack, and that adds up. Its usually at home, at night, when I'm not doing anything but watching TV and wondering why I didn't wake up with the body of my dreams already in place.  Tonight, I know I'll munch. My house was built for those who have munchies. We have 5 different kinds of chips, and that's not including the crackers, or the items you usually put on chips and crackers. Like cheese.

But tonight I am feeling very mindful. I feel like I will probably make chicken of some sort, and I have half a cantaloupe that needs to be eaten before it goes bad. Plus I bought some organic baby carrots, and I still have some strawberries and grapes!

When I was younger, we didn't waste food. every bite got eaten. We were too poor to do otherwise. <---excuse for eating the cantaloupe. I want it, just not today. If not today, it might be too late. I guess we'll find out.


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