Thursday, May 27, 2010

Victory is Mine

The business of food shall commence: breakfast was again a bowl of cereal (I heart cereal). Today it was half kashi, half frosted flakes. Its been quite some time since I've had frosted flakes. I let them sit for a while, so by the time I got around to eating them, they had gone soggy.

I was planning on being late to work today because I just didn't want to go, but ended up being on time, despite myself. It was such a beautiful day out, I felt that if I walked into my office and didn't have some blended fruit drink in my hand, the world would have surely perished. I'm not entirely sure that's a correct reason for ordering a Ginseng Power Smoothie, but I figure, protein, ginseng, banana, orange and blueberry can't all be bad. Pretty sure it was made with a ton of milk, I wasn't really paying attention. It was super creamy, but I dunno. I enjoyed walking into the office with it, and that was what I wanted to accomplish!

Lunch turned out to be one serving of sweet onion hawaii chips, and the soup I was supposed to eat, but ended up eating that mammoth of a salad from the other day. (yes. That is a recycled picture.)
I have this coworker who just rubs me the wrong way, and so we rarely interact (My supervisor has had to talk to us on two separate occasions because of this). Today however, I managed to get her to talk to one of my clients parents, because I knew that particular person would not take any thing I said as fact. While my co-worker was on the phone with this person, I ate my soup with chips. It was hard to be mindful, because I was paying more attention the conversation around me. For 120 calories it was quite filling.

I of course walked home again, because we have been having the most amazing start to a summer there could possibly be. It seemed like a little slow going at first, but it was 75 here today, and a complete shame I was only able to sneak out for two walks around the block.

Dinner of course, is the creme de la creme. Sticky rice, Stir fry veggies and Shoyu marinated chicken. We bought two breasts last night, and I was able to quarter them with no trouble. I could probably get six servings out of those two pieces, they are that big. And its only serving three....

Okay. Like I've mentioned before, I write most of these posts while I'm at work because if I had to write all of that right now, I'd probably cry and give up. Dinner turned into the most distressful affair. We had walked home, and my roommate wasn't feeling well, and asked me to cook dinner. I was happy to oblige as she had made dinner pretty much every night this week. While I was waiting on the chicken to cook, I was watching tv from the kitchen. Then out of nowhere, she gets up and starts messing with my chicken! I don't know why this angers me so much, but it does, and I had just shared my chocolate milk with someone I would never think to do that with, because I never share my chocolate milk!- So I stalked off to my room, and locked the door.

I spent two hours deciding whether or not it was reasonable to send myself to bed without eating dinner over this incident.  This stupid ridiculous thing, completely ruined my evening. I couldn't go downstairs and eat when dinner was done, because I couldn't figure out if wanting to eat was because of a cellular hunger or an emotional hunger. It was so frustrating, and I how do I explain that kind of ... panic to someone, anyone? I don't think I'm even doing it justice here.

I eventually went down stairs when I was calm enough to recognize that I was legitimately hungry. I ate the food. The rice was gluteny and mushy, the chicken was tough and dry and overly salty. The stir fry veggies were saturated in margarine. I didn't know what to do. It was basically the worst dinner I've ate since living here, ever. I could have easily stopped at three bites, but I was actually hungry. I stopped eating when I got the rest of the chicken down. Then to wash that out, I had some Oreo Cakesters and a crystal light drink.

After I had finished eating, sometime well after midnight, she sneakingly asked me to clean up the kitchen and put the food away. Something I would had been happy to do, after cooking. If I'm going to have the responsibility of cooking, then I want all the privilege of cooking. From start to finish, I don't want anyone in my kitchen unless I specifically ask for their help. Maybe its petty, and maybe its selfish, but that's the way I want my kitchen, and I'm pretty sure I made it clear.

But there is victory in this. I could have freaked out and ate everything I could. God knows I wanted to. Instead, I worked out my feelings and their relation to my want of food consumption, until they were completely separate entities. I'm quite proud of myself for that. Its those small victories that matter.

So after all the hoopla, it has gotten quite late and I almost didn't finish this blog tonight*. I knew that if I didn't do it tonight, there was a pretty good chance that I wouldn't get it done before work tomorrow. And then I'm not going to home til late tomorrow night as well, so a very small chance of getting two posts done, and long story short: not posting could lead a serious derailment in all this wonderful progress I'm made so quickly. And so, I did come to post, and I saw that I had gone from 4 to 8 followers! Hello new friends! I can't wait to get to know you all! This is going to be great! It was really humbling to see that number increase so quickly, and I'm just so happy I'm not alone in this. Not this time.

*You'll notice that I said tonight, and it posted the next morning. When I was done typing that long diatribe, my internet failed on me. It was one in the morning. I said goodnight. :)


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