The Miracle Question

Have you heard of the miracle question? Its kind of brilliant. It asks, "Imagine you've woken up and come to realize your greatest dream has come true. How is your life different from that moment on?"

Lunch: Overseasoned porkchop, baked mac and cheese, assorted veggies

That, my friends is a good question. It's a hard question to answer I'm finding, because my goal is so undefined. For the purpose of this post, I'll say that my goal is to lose 100 lbs. If I were honest, this summer is the first time I've actively lost ANY weight since I was 16. The "Pro-ana" fad was in, and I starved 30 pounds off in one month. Then one day, my mother bought me a can of chicken noodle soup and an apple for lunch. Instantly, I became panicked and hid the soup in my dresser. I was on some crazy calorie limit, but I couldn't let my mom see that I hadn't eaten the soup! About 30 seconds after hiding the soup, my conscious came back and chastised me. "Are you really freaking out about eating 160 calories in one meal? Are you kidding me?" I may or may not have binged shortly after that. That part isn't clear to me anymore. I haven't lost more than 5 pounds at a time since then, however.

I haven't lost weight in NINE years (outside of this summer).



I've been watching The Big C on showtime, in one of the episodes, the main character reflects back on old pictures of her self, wondering how she could have felt so ugly in a body she now wish she had. I get that. I feel that same way. The difference is, (its a tv show) she is now painfully aware that her time is running out, and I am in the prime of my youth (which is also running out. My 25th birthday is in less than a month!).

So how would my life be different if I woke up and had gotten rid of those 100 lbs? I don't know. I don't know. Because 100 lbs ago, I was 16 and had just starved off 30. And I was miserable. I can't tell you how badly I wish I was back there. I think I would have a renewed sense of appreciation of my life, and my body. I hope that I would be more confident in my appearance. I wonder if clothing sizes have changed in such a way that I might actually be able to shop at "regular" stores... something I haven't been able to do since I was 13. Mostly though, I'm afraid I'll look in the mirror and see the same person I do today, and that's not much of an incentive to change.



Today's weight: 310.4