Monday, August 30, 2010

I'm Still Here... barely

I bit off too much. I tried doing too much too quickly and became overwhelmed. Not knowing what to do, I stopped writing. My roommate left, I promised a half marathon (and didn't do it), the 5k stressed my body out (because jogging at 300 lb. apparently was NOT the best idea I've ever had), I went on vacation (where I was miserable and spent more time sitting on my ass than I could even begin to tell you), school started again (early mornings means Mocha-Time!), and my participation level in the film festival is about to rise exponentially. That's what has gone on in the last month and a half.

However, today is a new day, and I'm still here. Everything that was true about me in May, that was true about me in June and July is still true about me today. I feel fat. I don't like the way my body feels. I don't know how my body looks because I'm in such denial about it. Everytime I feel good, I eat. Living alone now, eating in a quiet house is pretty much the last thing I want to do. So I turn on the television.

I think I was too broad in my attempt last time. Any loss was good loss, and any progress was progress. Eating mindfully is a gift. I felt better about myself, I was less hungry, I ate what I wanted without feeling guilty, and I lost weight, just like I wanted.

What I've realized in the last week, even though I've only gained three pounds this month, I could have lost three. I could have lost more than three. I chose not to go down that road. I made a very clear and contentious choice to eat mindlessly, to not exercise, and to break every rule I had made for myself because I didn't know what else to do. "Its only one more day, its only one more week. Why try again when you know you'll just fail. You have so much stressful events coming up- wait til they've run their course."

My stressful events are only going to get more stressful in the following months. I'm working full time, attending college full time, and volunteering about 10-15 hours a week. Focusing on my weight could very easily be the last thing on my mind.

Its not though. Have you ever had one of those "life changing events" where you promised yourself up and down you'd lose the weight, you'll do it by that date, and everyone will be so amazed... but you didn't, and life didn't stop. Then you look back and you wondered how everything went wrong because you would still swear up and down that "you did everything you possibly could" and nothing changed, except if you were really honest with yourself, instead of trying to lose weight, you just ate worse and behaved worse than usual?

I don't want to do that again. I know one day when I look back at these pictures, I'm not going to be very happy with what I see. But I have a chance to look better then than I do now.

I miss talking about being fat with people who understand. So, I'm back.

New Rules:

1) Haven't come up with them yet. ha.

Todays weight: 311.5

Mindful Eating: A Guide to Rediscovering a Healthy and Joyful Relationship with Food--includes CDCurrently Reading:


Happy Fun Pants said... [Reply to comment]

I'm so glad that you're still here. And although you may not have done as well as you wanted, you certainly didn't go off the deep end couldn't have - or your gain would've been more than 3.

It's okay. YOU are okay!

How do you like the mindful eating book? It looks good...

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