2 eggs, cheddar cheese and spinach in an omelet form, about a cup of orange juice. Sugar free rockstar.
Spinach salad with feta cheese, green onion, avocado and orange. Raspberry vinaigrette dressing.
2 quesadillas, 2 heaped tablespoons of sour cream, 1 avocado.
35 mins Zumba
20 minutes stretching
Lunch happened around 3:30ish, I cut up the avocado which was nearly bad and the orange, threw it in my salad and went to town. It held me over until dinner where I had a couple quesadillas with my last avocado.*
I'm going to stop buying avocado. I love them so much that its starting to border on obsession. Also, I only go shopping once every other week, so when I buy several avocados, they all ripen at the same time, and I feel "pressured" to eat them.
(*I wrote all the above just before lunch. Its 1130pm, and I've just finished eating dinner.)
I struggled to make dinner. I was in the middle of washing dishes, and just didn't have a feeling of "fuel body" but I was worried once I went to bed (or even just sat down) that I would realize I was hungry, and then suddenly be to the point of not caring what went inside. So I stopped washing dishes and started preparing dinner. It should have been a relatively easy thing to do. I make dinner every night, I have since I was 12. But noticing that I wasn't hungry, did I then decide to pass on the avocado? It seemed to be just wasteful to not eat the whole thing, but damn, two avocados in a day? Really? Is that going to help me lose weight? I thought about throwing the other half away- and why that simply wouldn't be acceptable. Its avocado. Then I pondered the possibility of eating it all, as a final hurrah of sorts. But how are you supposed to lose weight when your are constantly having a "last hurrah!"? Not very easily, I suspect. Finally I threw my hands up in the air and wondered how the hell I was supposed to lose any weight at all if my thinking about food is so disordered? How the hell am I supposed to navigate that mess I've weaved over the last 25 years?
Breakthrough. I mashed up the whole avocado. I would eat it mindfully. I would focus all my attention on the texture and flavor, the way the cheese melts and the tanginess of the sour cream. I would not allow myself to feel guilty. I would stop eating when I was full. If that meant I ate the entire avocado, then that was okay and I was not going to feel guilty about it. I've already made a decision to never keep that many avocados in my house again.
I turned off the tv, I sat down in front of the table. I closed my eyes and took a breath. I asked my body on a scale of 1 to 10, how hungry it was. It answered with a surprised 8. I began to take my first bite.
avocado, and the rest of the first quesadilla, with little mindfulness. I was too busy listening for screams, shuffling bodies, or sirens. But the food calmed me. It served its old purpose well, I guess. I came back downstairs after I was sure the "coast was clear", and sat down, turned on the tv and continued to eat the second quesadilla with the rest of the avocado. I am completely overwhelmed at how much effort I had to put into tonight's dinner. It should have been a simple, quiet, dinner, followed by bed. Instead I'm rattled and worried, and feeling a little guilty about how I ate.
On the bright side, no more Avocados.