I wake up at 7:49am, crawl out of bed and into the shower. I try my best to wake up. Then I crawl out of the shower and back into bed until 9am, when I finally decide that I must get dressed, go down stairs and eat breakfast because I'm in for a long day. I have my daily cereal (half Kashi Go Lean Crunch, half Special K: Red Berries, with chocolate soy milk) pack my school bag, and by 9:30 I'm out the door. I go to class, become inundated with new information to be processed, then rush my way to work by noon. At work I sit at my desk and stare mindlessly at my computer, feeling my blood sugar drop lower and lower until I finally recognize the feeling as hunger and grab my lunch. (this weeks lunch: Pork loin roast with potatoes and carrots, with a side of grapes) Some times I eat it in front of my computer. Sometimes I don't. If I'm lucky, I have actual tasks to do, but more often than not, I wait for something that never happens. Finally my work day ends at 8pm and I head home. While sitting on the bus I think, "maybe I'll do some homework. I need to clean my kitchen. I need to do 20 minutes of yoga the minutes I walk through the door." However, as soon as I walk through the door, I rush to my room, take off my work clothes, throw on my pajamas, race back down stairs and check the refrigerator to see what I can eat.
At this very point, I realize I have an opportunity to be good today. To reach for something healthy, or if not healthy, to eat it in a way that is mindful and not mindless. What usually happens is I grab the more unhealthy than healthy option, sit in front of the TV, and forget that I'm breaking one of my cardinal rules: Thou shall not eat in front of back lit screens. From that moment, is where it all goes to parch. Suddenly, I want something sweet. Right now, my home happens to full of all sorts of sweet things because the last time I went shopping, I went without purpose and didn't get anything I meant to. I know the right thing to do would be throw it all out, to give it away, to do anything but EAT it, but part of this journey is relearning how to be around food. For the first time in my life I don't have to fight anyone for the left overs in the fridge. If I want my cookies to last a day or a month, its up to me to make that happen. And so the junk stays. (Example: I have four individual servings of Ben and Jerry's ice cream in my freezer right now, that have been there since the beginning of August.)
Then a new problem arises when I have my dinner, I'll have the handful of gummy worms, followed by a soda, and I just munch and munch and munch. I don't even know what I'm eating, just that I am. Last night I ate a second dinner because I didn't feel full enough. I was in some sort of manic mode, and I was in such a fog that I couldn't stop to figure out why I felt that way. Midnight hit, and I forced myself to go to bed. (Sleep didn't come for a few more hours, however.)
I've done this every night for two weeks. I'm so tired by the time I get home, I can't lift a finger to do anything except comfort myself.
I want to be the person who finds their second wind upon entering their house, and proceeds to work hard and sweat. I know somewhere deep inside me there is a potential for it. I know I won't be that person until I start acting like that person. I guess I just wish it was easier.
Todays weight: 308
(I must be doing something right...)