Motivation's Death is the Start of a New Beginning

These last couple of weeks have been tumultuous at best, and down right heartbreaking at worst. My grandfather passing was not unexpected. In fact, as I've said before, its one of two deaths I was waiting for this year. When I got the news, my weight was 309.something. Yesterday is was 314.2. Thats about a five pound gain, and considering all the snacking I've done and stress I've been under, I'm not entirely surprised. The good news is, during the worst of it, my weight got up to 317, so I have been averaging out a little bit.

Despite all the stress and sadness, I've continued walking home from work every evening, and getting in at least one walk each weekend, even if its not very long or hard. I've been trying to pay attention to my food, but a lot of my meals are either eaten in front of my computer, the tv, or in secret. <---That needs to stop asap. And I have been listening to my body, but it seems like I'm just never really that hungry, so I fell into old habits of, "Its breakfast? I must eat breakfast. Its lunch time? I must eat lunch. Its dinner, you say? Well, then I must eat dinner." That habit is definitely a little harder to break than the others. And while I haven't been photographing everything, I am usually aware of what I'm eating, and whether or not I actually want it, if not whether or not I'm actually hungry and it will satisfy that hunger. I've been giving in to impulses and cravings on occasion. But there is still an underline of mindfulness. 

I'm getting bored now though. I think at this point, I need something to focus in on. I need a goal to reach. Originally, I wasn't planning on setting goals because I just wanted to focus on my food intake and start noticing what makes me tick. Well, I have:

• I crave solitude but hate feeling lonely or abandoned. 
• I have kitchen issues because I have food issues.  (The issue being, don't touch my food!)
• Strongly dislike spending time with my roommate while she's spending time with her boyfriend. 
• Stress and boredom lead me to the kitchen. 
• As soon as I'm alone, the first thing I do is see what I can eat. 
• I internalize everything. Alone. 

 Food basically calms me down. It gives me a purpose. Food doesn't reject you. It will always say, "eat me!"

Everything is changing right now. My roommate is leaving in the middle of July. I'm starting college in the fall. I thought I was moving, but apparently I am not.With all these changes happening, I need something to work towards. Something that'll get me out of the house, keep me active and fill up my ever expanding free time before I'm shut in all winter with nothing but books and a new kitty to keep me company.

So, starting to today, I am officially going to start training to run a 5k. My goal will be to run in the Snow City Cafe 5k Race on August 15th, 2010. The number on the scale, its important. Seeing it go down is important. Feeling healthy, strong, and capable is much more important, I think. I know the best way to get this weight off is by exercising, because I love food.

I have had an emotional love affair with food for nearly 20 years, and I know that counting calories and cutting things out completely is not going to help me in the long run. Its just going to piss me off and leave me discouraged. Knowing what I'm eating and why I'm eating it is also very important, and I will continue to focus on that as well.

But exercise, well now. That's a whole other ball game, isn't it? While its possible to exercise too much, its a lot easier to recognize when you've had enough, when you need to do more, and having a tangible goal at the end that must be accomplished in order to record ones success is right there as opposed to an "arbitrary" number on a scale. Completing a 5k will mean that I am capable of running 3 miles. If thats something I can accomplish at 300 pounds, then great. How cool will my body be for pulling that off? If in the process of training, I lose more weight than I did when I wasn't training, then thats cool too. I'll still be able to run 3.1 miles at the end. (Not going to lie: I can't wait to see how much weight melts off me from training!) (and hopefully my legs won't collapse beneath my weight.)

Of course I will continue to eat as mindfully as I am able, and hopefully this new goal will further encourage me to listen carefully to my body's needs and take care of them accordingly.

I'm so excited right now!