Sunday, May 30, 2010

A Walk in the Park

I went on a fantastic walk today. Not far from where I live is a lagoon. Its a pretty flat walk, which made it pretty easy to get to and from. There being no hills made my walk much faster than anticipated. It took about an hour to get there and back. All together it was a little more than 2 miles. I was sweating real hard when I was done, even though I didn't feel winded. It was ridiculously hot out... like 75! ha. Trust me, thats record breaking for Alaska.

It was another, "I'm bored out of my mind, I don't know what to do, I guess I'll eat something" kind of day. I made sure of course to check in with myself, make sure I was hungry when I ate, but I kind of feel like now that I'm asking my body if its hungry, it'll just always say yes. At least when I'm bored.

My friends and I went out to dinner to continue saying our good byes. She actually doesn't leave until tomorrow. I didn't realize that. I sure hope when I leave, I get a three day going away party. I bet no one will notice I'm gone. <--Sneaky depression thoughts sneaking up on me. DNW!

The only thing that I ate when I wasn't hungry today was the orange chicken. I probably could have held off on that. I felt like a Sim Character, in that I could feel my hunger sliding lower and lower. I ate it right before my walk to ensure I didn't go into some sort of hypoglycemic attack. Not that I am hypoglycemic, but I knew I be sweating and dehydrating myself before I grabbed a bottle of water, and I wanted to make sure that I wasn't starving by the time I was done, which may have led into a binge. 

I want to binge constantly. I miss it even. I miss eating everything without thinking. Not tasting. Isn't that weird? I guess the only reason I do miss it, is it helped me not feel so out of touch or lonely. I don't really get along with groups of people, and at dinner tonight, there was 12 of us. I was extremely out of my element. Generally if there's more than 2 or 3 people, I'm instantly uncomfortable and then I have to excuse myself and work out my feelings on my own, which is a frustrating experience in and of its self, because one would think after 24 years of having to interact with people on a personal level, I'd figure out how to interact with multiple people on a personal level. but I haven't and so I suffer.

I ate half of the ribs while at the restaurant, and the other half about two hours after I went home. I ate all my veggies like a good girl, and half of the amazing and delicious roasted garlic mashed potatoes. I decided to walk home afterward, mostly because I was pissed off and needed to think out my thoughts, but partly because it was beautiful and it had cooled down, so it was a nice mile and a half walk.

My neighbor came over later that night, and we stayed up and played Farmville. Exciting, right? I really need something else to do. I am starting to have more energy, I can feel it, and I'm getting restless. If I don't figure out something, then I'm just going to revert to old habits again. And that is unacceptable.


The Fat Kid said... [Reply to comment]


Thanks for visiting my blog! I am getting your comments and I appreciate them very much.

Unfortunately I don't always get time to answer comments as I have a 1 year old who doesn't leave me much computer time these days!

Your blog is great, I've added it to my list of reads so I can keep up with it!

Lesia said... [Reply to comment]

Lily, Where in Alaska do you live? My dad lives in Fairbanks and we just went and visited him last summer. It sounds like you have a facebook account. When you said you played Farmville that made me think of facebook. I used to play that but then I found it sucked all my time away so I stopped playing

Jess said... [Reply to comment]

I think a lot of times, being out of our elements and comfortable environment is super stressful, so we resort immediately to food to cope because it's the easier way to mask our emotions, because it gives us an instant satisfactory feeling so we don't have to realize that there are underlying issues we need to cope with.

So maybe 12 people is a bit much and is kind of overwhelming, but maybe start out a bit less big but more than what you're comfortable to. The more out of your comfort zone you get, the bigger you expand this box that confines you.

I haven't had the desire to binge in a long time but I think it's because I've realized that eventually, I have to deal with the ghosts that haunt me. It's hard at first, but worth it in the long run.

You can do this :) You can do it. I know it's hard to believe in yourself sometimes, but just keep trying. Maybe you'll have one, two, or even 30 bad days, but if you never give up, you will never fail.

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