Tuesday, September 21, 2010

The days go by like molasses and spread like wildfire

Being sad is debilitating. I haven't had a good cry yet (me, who cries at everything, cannot cry because her aunt has passed) and so I'm just a ball of nerves and flint, waiting for a spontaneous combustion of tears.

Eating wise, I wouldn't call these last few days "binging" but it certainly wasn't mindful, and damn, I didn't want to lift my head, let alone my feet. I danced, when I felt like dancing (Which is not to say often; also, I've decided thats why my thighs and calves are so tight right now, and the rest of me is a blobby blabby ball of blub) and sang, when I felt like singing. I raised my arms above my head to stretch my spine and pray that when my manos were lowered, the switch would flip, and I would start the next stage of the grieving process.

So it looks like I'll be in Colorado for my b-day. It'll be nice seeing my mom again, as I usually only see her once a year. We decided it was important for me to be at the memorial service. I want to feel like I'm apart of my family, and I never have. I want to honor my beautiful aunt, and relearn my family history, as its MY history, and I'm so afraid of losing it.

I'm so sad right now.

My most remembered memory of my aunt:

I was five, maybe six years old. Having loved my aunt thus far my entire life, I was thrilled to hear she would be at my house, the very next morning, on a weekday. She'd be there to see me off to school! Yay! I loved visiting her house, 60 miles south of mine, surrounded by trees and shrouded in mystery. She had two dogs and a bunch of chicken and iguana. It was my favorite place to visit. I thought I wouldn't be able to sleep, I was so excited. Of course, I zonked out almost immediately.

As sleep goes, it was slow and fast, dreams spinning, colors twirling, and then suddenly, DING DONG! went the bell.

"Who wakes me from my slumber?" I bellowed. I ran downstairs and opened the door. There was my beautiful aunt, with her long blonde hair, and shiny blue eyes, holding a plate of still warm homemade apple cinnamon raisin bran muffins (which were to DIE for), smiling and happy. She was like magic- beautiful and unreal. She and my mom sat in the living room, sipping coffee and getting down to business- the way they do (did). I ate one muffin, reveled in its deliciousness, then prepared to get ready for the day! I remembering feeling alive and refreshed that morning. I wanted to feel that way every day for the rest of my life.

It was 5 o'clock in the morning.


Happy Fun Pants said... [Reply to comment]

I am so sorry for your loss. :(

Joy said... [Reply to comment]

I am soooo sorry for your loss!! You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

I gave you an award today before I knew what was going on. Check it out when you can. Just know you are so important in our lives and we are with you during this time.

Much love and many hugs!!!

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