Thursday, June 17, 2010
The main reason I'm moving to Denver, is to spend more time with my grandma and uncle before they pass. I found out yesterday that my grandma intends to sell her house, a house I've only visited a handful of times in my life, to go live in a retirement community. Its one of the saddest things I've ever heard. I understand that its for the best, and I applaud her for being clear minded enough to know that she's going to need the additional assistance. I think I'm mostly just sad for me, and that this whole family that I've never really had the opportunity to know, is dying by inches.
My father died two years ago. I'd love to write about it, and perhaps I will another day. I'm at work right now, and I don't want to start crying. Again.
I need a job. I need to enroll myself into college. I need my own apartment. I need a car. I need to learn to drive. (I feel guilty about saying I need a car, what with the Gulf of Mexico fiasco and all. But its the truth.) I need a plane ticket. I need as much money as I can muster so I can get all those things.
I'm terrified that every thing will work out according to plan. I never count on that. I wonder if that's why it never stays on course? I always plan for the worst case scenario, and build off that. I always have an idea of what a perfect scenario would be, but perfection isn't reliable, especially when its mostly fantasy.
I wish I could delay everything until December. That way I could follow through with the commitments I already have here, and wouldn't have that extra layer of guilt. Of course, then I remember my dad telling my grandma and uncle that he was going to out to Denver and take care of them. He just needed a year to get things together and do it. He died three months later.
If not me, then who?
If not now, then when?
I'm making myself sick going over my options, trying to figure out my best course of action. I feel like a sperm trying to impregnate an egg. bouncing around, trying to find a good spot to hop in before someone else does, and the game is over. Or before time just runs out in general and the game is still over. The clock is definitely ticking.
Also, I apologize for the over use of "I" statements. I'm a pretty self involved person.
Side note number two: all the food pictured is from yesterday 06/16/10