Thursday, May 20, 2010

More Food That I Ate Today

I'm still figuring out this whole "being aware" thing. I noticed that I was having a lot of anexity about really important things like keeping my job, only it was pointed out to me that I was never in jeporady of losing my job. Why did I feel like I should be worried? Because I was 20 minutes late every single day like clock work. Its almost okay in my office to be 20 minutes late, because there's always one person who is on time. It just so happens, that one person is the only person.
But wait. If not being late is going to reduce my fear of getting fired, then why don't I just be on time? Its not like there has ever been a good reason; it was just easier to be a little late.

Its taken quite a bit of effort on my part to be ready on time these days. I have to get out of bed earlier, I have to straighten my hair sooner. Breakfast can't be cozied up with Little Bear, because now I have to be downtown by the time I used to catch the bus to go down town!

Whats happened is, I get up eariler, and i get ready eariler, but now I'm too early. I wait for dozens of minutes before I have to leave and catch a bus. I don't know what to do with myself. Its not quite enough time to walk to work either. It leaves me in a sticky situation. When you don't have things to do, your mind wanders. What if I wake up one day, and all this time I've spent focusing on everything I put in my body and how I felt about it, turns into some sick twisted excuse to binge eat? Because all I can focus on is food?
I mean, I'm not saying that I want to (honest! I don't!), I'm really quite happy with the direction my life seems to be headed right now. I know I have a couple impending disasters coming my way, things I have no control over. I know when the waves of despair wash over me, the first thing I'm going to want to find comfort in is chocolate milk and chocolate chip cookies.  I don't know when these tradegies are going to happen, but I want to be as well prepared for them as I can be. No more destroying myself over things that can't change. I can change, I am changing every day.  It is vital to my survival to have my health and a better understanding of the way I cope.

But even more than the impending disasters, I have hope. I have conviction, and I have just a bucket full of spirit this time around. I know good things are going to happen to me this year. Really good things. Things that are a long time coming, and things that are complete and utter surprises. I want to be able to recognize each of these moments and appreciate and treasure them as well as I am able. I can only do that, if I learn to love myself, and treat myself with love, awareness, and respect. 

The rice is out of order. I almost forgot it. I also had a cherry coca cola with dinner.

So far, this blog is the best idea I've ever had.


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