Monday, June 7, 2010


There are three slices of pizza on this plate. I snuck up two more, plus 1/4th of the small cinnatix. Then I snuggled up three more pieces, plus another fourth of the cinnastix. I think snuck up two more pieces of pizza, the rest of the two liter pepsi, and one more fourth of cinnastix.

I don't think I'm going to recover from the shock of my grandfather dying any time soon. but I feel like I'm swimming in oil right now, and sometimes I forget to breathe. Tomorrow is a new day, and I will be treating my body better. I will be figuring out a new way to cope.

What I'm not explaining here is, I'm not so much upset about the fact he's gone. I'm more upset that I am at a crossroads, and I'm scared to deviate again. Deviating never turns out good for me. At least, not without significant and profound effort on my part, and I just don't know if I could survive it again. But then I wonder, if I stay here, if I don't deviate from my current plan, what will I miss out on? Will I regret it?

I know I would. I wish I could feel anything other than what I am currently feeling and trying desperately not to. I can't start crying again. I can't start panicking again.

Friday, I left work about 2 hours after getting there. It didn't even occur to me to take the bus home. I walked right out the door, and continued walking all the way home. On saturday I walked for about 2.5 miles, slowly. I meandered across town. On Sunday, I didn't leave the house. I didn't speak to anyone. I watched movies in my room, while slowly devouring an entire pizza. I feel like a snake, stretching its jaw over its prey, slowly inching the new caracass into my mouth, until I've swallowed the entire pizza whole.

I don't think I can go to work feeling like this.


Ana said... [Reply to comment]

I am so sorry to hear about your grandfather. Take life one step at a time and remember to breath. Don't be afraid to rely on friends and family for support.

If you need to talk we're here for you. Here's my email if you want to chat, or just need a distraction from eating. You shouldn't have to feel bad about you right now.

Happy Fun Pants said... [Reply to comment]

I am so sorry for your loss.

I just want to encourage you to be gentle for yourself. I saw where you wrote that it hurts more than you thought it would - and believe it or not, I think that's a great thing.

As we try to deal with our issues with food, I think that we're sometimes surprised at the strength of the emotions that come up.

I know with me it's easier to stuff my feelings down with food - it's a way to numb myself and a way for me to protect my own self from the hurtful feelings I'm having.

Be good to yourself and gentle to yourself if you can during this time of transition.


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