Monday, June 7, 2010
I don't think I'm going to recover from the shock of my grandfather dying any time soon. but I feel like I'm swimming in oil right now, and sometimes I forget to breathe. Tomorrow is a new day, and I will be treating my body better. I will be figuring out a new way to cope.
What I'm not explaining here is, I'm not so much upset about the fact he's gone. I'm more upset that I am at a crossroads, and I'm scared to deviate again. Deviating never turns out good for me. At least, not without significant and profound effort on my part, and I just don't know if I could survive it again. But then I wonder, if I stay here, if I don't deviate from my current plan, what will I miss out on? Will I regret it?
I know I would. I wish I could feel anything other than what I am currently feeling and trying desperately not to. I can't start crying again. I can't start panicking again.
Friday, I left work about 2 hours after getting there. It didn't even occur to me to take the bus home. I walked right out the door, and continued walking all the way home. On saturday I walked for about 2.5 miles, slowly. I meandered across town. On Sunday, I didn't leave the house. I didn't speak to anyone. I watched movies in my room, while slowly devouring an entire pizza. I feel like a snake, stretching its jaw over its prey, slowly inching the new caracass into my mouth, until I've swallowed the entire pizza whole.
I don't think I can go to work feeling like this.
Posted by Lily Fluffbottom at 12:11 AM