Home sick today

I has a sick. Its very hard for me to not behave badly when I'm sick, cause all I want is junky junk food. Been craving hamburger and cheesesteak.
How do you handle being sick?

My sick face.

food log 2/9/11

Breakfast
handful of slivered almonds, crasins and  chocolate chips, bagel with cream cheese, protein hot cocoa.

lunch
two open faced quesadillas with an avocado and table spoon of sour cream.(4 tortillas were used)

Dinner
1 medium veggie pesto supreme thin crust pizza, half a 2 liter of diet pepsi.

At least I wasn't snacking.

Other important events that happened: My cousin (who is my best friend) had her baby. 7 lbs 12 oz. A ginger. He was born with a leaky lung, so he was moved into NICU  at a different hospital in six inches of snow, before my cousin had a chance to hold him. (The next day I heard he was doing much better and will be home by the weekend.)


I didn't go to work.

Food Log 1/6/11

Breakfast
a failed attempt at box mac and cheese. took about 6 bites before I threw the rest away. (I blame its cheap quality and will insist til my departing that it was not me over boiling, it was the cheap waterlogged noodles.)

Lunch
Italian veggie sandwich on sourdough,
2 servings of kettle chips,
vitamin water zero,
Large Chocolate chip cookie.


Dinner
frozen Mac and Cheese (Eating Right) dinner,
water,
2 tablespoons creamcheese frosting,
1/2 cup chocolate soymilk,
3/4 cup trailmix,
100 cal pack of oreos.

Exercise
20 minutes Zumba

The Underworld of Night Eating

I wake up at 7:49am, crawl out of bed and into the shower. I try my best to wake up. Then I crawl out of the shower and back into bed until 9am, when I finally decide that I must get dressed, go down stairs and eat breakfast because I'm in for a long day. I have my daily cereal (half Kashi Go Lean Crunch, half Special K: Red Berries, with chocolate soy milk) pack my school bag, and by 9:30 I'm out the door. I go to class, become inundated with new information to be processed, then rush my way to work by noon. At work I sit at my desk and stare mindlessly at my computer, feeling my blood sugar drop lower and lower until I finally recognize the feeling as hunger and grab my lunch. (this weeks lunch: Pork loin roast with potatoes and carrots, with a side of grapes) Some times I eat it in front of my computer. Sometimes I don't. If I'm lucky, I have actual tasks to do, but more often than not, I wait for something that never happens. Finally my work day ends at 8pm and I head home. While sitting on the bus I think, "maybe I'll do some homework. I need to clean my kitchen. I need to do 20 minutes of yoga the minutes I walk through the door." However, as soon as I walk through the door, I rush to my room, take off my work clothes, throw on my pajamas, race back down stairs and check the refrigerator to see what I can eat.

At this very point, I realize I have an opportunity to be good today. To reach for something healthy, or if not healthy, to eat it in a way that is mindful and not mindless. What usually happens is I grab the more unhealthy than healthy option, sit in front of the TV, and forget that I'm breaking one of my cardinal rules: Thou shall not eat in front of  back lit screens. From that moment, is where it all goes to parch. Suddenly, I want something sweet. Right now, my home happens to full of all sorts of sweet things because the last time I went shopping, I went without purpose and didn't get anything I meant to. I know the right thing to do would be throw it all out, to give it away, to do anything but EAT it, but part of this journey is relearning how to be around food. For the first time in my life I don't have to fight anyone for the left overs in the fridge. If I want my cookies to last a day or a month, its up to me to make that happen. And so the junk stays. (Example: I have four individual servings of Ben and Jerry's ice cream in my freezer right now, that have been there since the beginning of August.)

Then a new problem arises when I have my dinner, I'll have the handful of gummy worms, followed by a soda, and I just munch and munch and munch. I don't even know what I'm eating, just that I am. Last night I ate a second dinner because I didn't feel full enough. I was in some sort of manic mode, and I was in such a fog that I couldn't stop to figure out why I felt that way. Midnight hit, and I forced myself to go to bed. (Sleep didn't come for a few more hours, however.)

I've done this every night for two weeks. I'm so tired by the time I get home, I can't lift a finger to do anything except comfort myself.

I want to be the person who finds their second wind upon entering their house, and proceeds to work hard and sweat. I know somewhere deep inside me there is a potential for it. I know I won't be that person until I start acting like that person. I guess I just wish it was easier.


Todays weight: 308
(I must be doing something right...)

If I Don't do this Now, I Never Will

I feel like the last couple of weeks I've been falling apart by pieces. Overall, I feel exactly the same as I did yesterday, and last week, or even 6 months ago. I mean, I feel lonely all the time. This past weekend, my roommate finally moved away, back to Ohio. This was good for her- she needed out. This is bad for me, because I'm already a naturally quiet loner type. And now, I go home to an empty house, to watch tv all by myself to cook and eat dinner all by myself. I've been all by myself for years. I'm over it. (Oh, I can't tell you how badly I don't want a roommate though...)

Confession: The excuse I've been using to put off updating this blog more often is: "I haven't uploaded any of the pictures I've taken yet!"

Last weekend before my roommate left, I went on a 7 mile walk, to prepare for my half Marathon in August. It was a beautiful day out, and the trail I took follows right along the ocean. It was quiet, and breezy. It took about 3 hours all together, and I was positively exshausted afterwards. But I felt so accomplished and proud.

So I used it as an excuse to eat however I wanted, whatever I wanted for the next two days. *growls at self*

This is something I've noticed I've done in the recent past as well. I have a week of good days, finally see the number drop a fair amount on the scale, and become so excited that.... I eat. Even worse, I give myself permission to eat all those things I didn't have permission to eat the week before.  So my weight drops, then two days later its like it never happened, and I lose those same 3 pounds all over again. Its a bitter cycle, one I hadn't prepared for.

How do you all reward yourself?  Is it a conscious thing, or a subconscious thing? Any ideas how I can go about rewarding myself with things that aren't food?

Insert Witty Title Here

Body Terrorist Alert: I am starting to notice myself slipping into mindlessness again. I ate half of a pudding snack because it was dark and we were re-watching the second season of Grey's Anatomy, before I realized I hadn't thought it through, I hadn't taken a picture, I had barely acknowledged that I was eating it in the first place.

Yesterday was another day of huge emotional mood swings. My roommate has been sick with like a whooping cough these past few days, and every time she tries to hock a loogie, or clear her throat, its this long drawn out, potentially unnecessary gross squabble in her throat, and everything time I hear it, I just want to mutilate my eardrums. No joke, I sit and twitch every single time she does it. Thinking about it makes me want to vomit.

She's been a major source of stress for me as of late, mostly because we live together, and work together, and on top of it all, we work the same schedule. And yes, we have the same friends. She is perfectly lovely person (most of the time), but sometimes, a girl just needs a break. I... I crave my solitude sometimes, and I'm not allowed to have it in our house most days. Its very frustrating.

So I spent all weekend saying goodbye to our other friend and listening to my roommate hack and cough, and have sex while hacking and coughing, trying desperately to find a way out. I went on a couple of fabulous walks which I've already mentioned, but its just not enough. I don't even want to go home at this point.

Today, Tuesday (which feels like Monday), I ate a bowl of frosted flakes with chocolate soy milk. The minute I was done eating, my stomach turned into a knot and yelled, "THAT WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA! WHY WOULD YOU EVEN THINK TO DO THAT TO ME? WAS PLAIN SOY MILK NOT ENOUGH? WHY, LILY? WHY NOT? I NEED PROTEIN!" Needless to say, it was not the smartest decision I've made lately. Today feels like a pamphlet of un-smart decisions. I went to work without packing a lunch, and ended up ordering a cheese burger and fries from the grease join next door to my office. I washed it down with a diet soda... so I figured that would balance it out.<--- making excuses for my behavior. No, I will not make excuses. I asked my body what it wanted, and it wanted MEAT. It wanted Greasy fries, and it wanted still, protein. Of course I could have found a different source, perhaps one with less fat or whatnot. But I'm pretty sure I was supposed to eat that cheeseburger.

After work, I went food shopping for realz. The main reason behind the poorly made cereal this morning was I'm out of all the good stuff, and need to buy more. But when you don't have a car and you work later than usual, all of a sudden, food shopping is this huge deal that needs to be planned in advanced, and blah blah blah.

In other news, I weighed myself on Monday and today and I'm at 309.7. Which is pretty awesome, I think. Even with the mindless eating I caught myself in a couple of times over the weekend, I managed to still lose a little bit. I'm always surprised when the number goes down because I never think it will. <--- Talk about setting yourself up for disappointment!

A Walk in the Park

I went on a fantastic walk today. Not far from where I live is a lagoon. Its a pretty flat walk, which made it pretty easy to get to and from. There being no hills made my walk much faster than anticipated. It took about an hour to get there and back. All together it was a little more than 2 miles. I was sweating real hard when I was done, even though I didn't feel winded. It was ridiculously hot out... like 75! ha. Trust me, thats record breaking for Alaska.

It was another, "I'm bored out of my mind, I don't know what to do, I guess I'll eat something" kind of day. I made sure of course to check in with myself, make sure I was hungry when I ate, but I kind of feel like now that I'm asking my body if its hungry, it'll just always say yes. At least when I'm bored.

My friends and I went out to dinner to continue saying our good byes. She actually doesn't leave until tomorrow. I didn't realize that. I sure hope when I leave, I get a three day going away party. I bet no one will notice I'm gone. <--Sneaky depression thoughts sneaking up on me. DNW!

The only thing that I ate when I wasn't hungry today was the orange chicken. I probably could have held off on that. I felt like a Sim Character, in that I could feel my hunger sliding lower and lower. I ate it right before my walk to ensure I didn't go into some sort of hypoglycemic attack. Not that I am hypoglycemic, but I knew I be sweating and dehydrating myself before I grabbed a bottle of water, and I wanted to make sure that I wasn't starving by the time I was done, which may have led into a binge. 

I want to binge constantly. I miss it even. I miss eating everything without thinking. Not tasting. Isn't that weird? I guess the only reason I do miss it, is it helped me not feel so out of touch or lonely. I don't really get along with groups of people, and at dinner tonight, there was 12 of us. I was extremely out of my element. Generally if there's more than 2 or 3 people, I'm instantly uncomfortable and then I have to excuse myself and work out my feelings on my own, which is a frustrating experience in and of its self, because one would think after 24 years of having to interact with people on a personal level, I'd figure out how to interact with multiple people on a personal level. but I haven't and so I suffer.

I ate half of the ribs while at the restaurant, and the other half about two hours after I went home. I ate all my veggies like a good girl, and half of the amazing and delicious roasted garlic mashed potatoes. I decided to walk home afterward, mostly because I was pissed off and needed to think out my thoughts, but partly because it was beautiful and it had cooled down, so it was a nice mile and a half walk.

My neighbor came over later that night, and we stayed up and played Farmville. Exciting, right? I really need something else to do. I am starting to have more energy, I can feel it, and I'm getting restless. If I don't figure out something, then I'm just going to revert to old habits again. And that is unacceptable.

Alone I Am

This morning, I tried really hard to eat some oatmeal and cinnamon apple sauce. It didn't work. I just cannot stand the texture of oatmeal. It was suggested to me that I use less liquid, but I'm always worried that there won't be enough for it to full be "cooked through". I dunno. I guess I just don't understand the process of oatmeal making. Instead, I stole the regular cow milk from my neighbor, and had a bowl of cereal; half Kashi Go Lean Crunch, half honey bunches of oats, with strawberries. And Ovaltine in my milk, because I only eat cereal with chocolate milk.

Lunch was supposed to be the soup pictured, but instead I had left over spaghetti. That was an impulse I'm trying to fix. I ate the spaghetti in front of my computer. I kept trying to turn away from my computer, but there was always something I needed to check before I could settle in.  I've decided that food is pretty boring if there isn't moving pictures to accompany it.

I also ended up not eating the chocolate pudding. That really exists for those moments when if I don't have something chocolate IMMEDIATELY, I'll kill someone. Its weird how just knowing that its there is usually enough to keep me from eating it. I think its a, "Well if I eat it now, I can't eat it later," mentality.

I tried so hard to to finish this post last night, but I didn't get around to writing it until midnight.... I really must remember to write the bulk of these things while at work. Its the only place I have time!

For dinner, I had huli-huli chicken, rice and corn on the cob, that was smothered in margarine. I snuck just the smalled piece of cheese as well. I couldn't help myself. It was small enough to just slip right into my awaiting mouth, and no one would ever know. By walking from my neighbors, back to my house, I probably would have burned off any caloric contribution it brought. But I took a picture anyway. Those are the rules.

The chicken was pretty good. A little dry, maybe. It was grilled on the George Foreman Grill. I've never really been a fan of that thing, mostly because I don't know what the temperature is on it. And then when it gets too hot, it automatically shuts down. But it never shuts down after I'm done cooking, its always while I'm on my last piece of whatever is being grilled, and that last piece is still pink inside!

I chose the plate with the smallest piece of chicken- two chicken tenders. I tried to eat each bite like it was my first, but after the first handful, I really wasn't interested at that point.

I'm a very picky corn eater. I can't eat hot corn on the cob due to heat sensistitivey. So far, its the only thing I know I can't eat thats steaming straight out of the oven. I don't really understand it, but I always put my corn in the freezer after cooking it til it cools down enough. The colder, the better, as long as it hasn't frozen through!
After the first few bites, I decided that I did not like the cold melted margarine on my corn, and tried to wipe it off as best I could. It probably would have been slightly tastier with salt, but I just... don't put extra salt on my food.

No, when I have a craving, it usually some sort of sugar. By the time dinner was over, it was close to 11:30pm, so I decided to call it a night. My roommate went over to our neighbors house, and I immediately started thinking of all the things I could scarf down now that she was gone. I wanted everything, so I tried pausing to slow down and think through my feelings. I felt alone and abandoned, again. So I went for some fake Oreos, and a Cherry Coca Cola. I stopped taking pictures of everything I drink because I drink a lot of fluids everyday, and I know this blog is already image heavy. But, in the interest of disclosure, I drank that soda with the worst intentions, and so it should be mentioned.